Of course, shear magnitude of the numbers, and the fact the number keeps growing is perhaps a small part of the challenge. It is easy to feel overwhelmed. But I knew it was something deeper than that.
Why?
In the beginning of a new project, there is lots of energy, and that surely has worn off by now. But, this was deeper than that.
What was it?
I think I finally figured out where at least part of the challenge was coming from.
I print out the names and other information that I transfer on to the wings in sheets of thirty. And I make the cranes in a tray with eight at a time. Those numbers; the numbers per sheet, and per tray, could be considered the constants of this project. What has changed though, is that as I moved into late 2004, and beyond, is the rate of casualties.
May 2005 seemed as if it would never end. I would make a tray of cranes and be dismayed to see that it was only a few days at best. I finally finished May, and felt a sense of renewal as I began a new month. This energy was quickly dissipated, as I began working on June. I'd finish up a sheet of names, and begin a new one. I'd scan the information, and found myself looking at the dates.
How far would this take me?
From 6/5 to 6/11. Six days. About five deaths per day on average.
It is like the air being withdrawn from a balloon. A quick deflation.
This is my challenge. Not getting caught up in the details of what I am doing to a degree that I can't work on the project.
The need to absorb these realities works at cross purposes at times to the progress of the project. It is awareness that I am trying to create. But the process of creation creates hyper-awareness that can be overwhelming. I need to try and close my brain off to the calendar progress. Through 2007, at least, it will be slow going. If I get calendar-centric, it will be even slower going.
I have made almost 1700 polymer clay cranes. I have over 6200 waxed paper cranes, and more from vellum and magazine articles. That is a lot of cranes. I need to remind myself of that sometimes. Not be always looking forward to all that work yet to be done, but occasionally looking over my shoulder at all that has already happened. Letting that shore me up when the slog seems too long and hard.
Take a look...quite a few cranes, huh?
