But, eventually, I had to admit, the tank was empty. I had treated myself as if I was a machine. A machine who could crank out a set number of pieces per day, and do that day after day, after day. But even machines need time to be restored. Time for on-going maintenance.
I ignored the signals.
I had a fixed deadline in my head. An arbitrary deadline, but one that I thought would help motivate me to keep going. But when I would miss my target for a day or two, and then the next week it was another day or two, soon all I could think about was how many cranes I had to make to catch up. I tried increasing the daily output to make up the difference, and soon I was further behind my goal, and losing track of why I began working on this project to begin with. I lost all my connection with that deeper motivation. I was just pushing, pushing, and pushing, and feeling more and more overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. Over 4000 cranes from polymer clay. (At 8 cranes per hour; more than 500 hours needed.) Over 100,000 waxed paper cranes, and more than 500 more cranes to represent the coalition forces and the journalists who have died in this war, or as a result of this war. (At 15 cranes per hour; over 6000 hours!)
Overwhelmed by the costs. Over $2000 spent on materials so far, and much more time and money to go. But less than $400 of donations so far to help cover the costs. (At least $10,000 in anticipated expenses, above and beyond the time investment).
Overwhelmed by the endless number of small tasks that need to be done. Little washers/disks have to be made from clay to help crimp the cranes in place on the cable. Lining up the cranes by week, so they can be strung on cables, and crimped in place. Drilling holes in the disks and the cranes. (Many, many hours....)
Stringing up the waxed paper cranes in strands of 100. (At 1 hour per strand. 1000 hours.)
Searching for possible grants, and filling our applications. Searching for possible sites to exhibit the project..........and searching, and searching. Getting rejections and continuing the search. (Many, many hours.) Attending programs, and researching how to apply for a grant.
And, time spent trying to spread the word about the project. Hoping to find any and all the help I can get. Help with folding the waxed paper cranes. Help with finding a place to exhibit the project. Help through donations.
I have had so many words of encouragement, but at a certain point it was not enough. I tried to be able to sustain the project on sheer force of will. I expected too much from people who I thought could help.
I needed to slow down, the disappointments, the challenges, the sheer numbers of it all began to swallow up all my motivation. I needed a break. I needed to stop blogging for a little while. To stop folding the polymer clay cranes. I continued folded paper cranes. I still did what I could to spread the word about the project. I still looked for opportunities to get funding for the project, and to have a place to exhibit the project. I still filled out the applications, and strung up cranes. But I slowed down a lot.
I needed to have some time to reconnect with my original desire to begin this project. To remember why I feel like this was an important project for me to do in spite of the obstacles. I needed enough time and space for that little voice, deep inside, to be heard again. Give it space to grow and strengthen again.
I have determined how I will represent the coalition forces who have lost their lives in the Iraq war, and the journalists. The cranes for the coalition forces will be made from vellum. The cranes for the journalists will be folded from articles about the war from magazines. I have begun folding the polymer clay cranes again. The fall is passing and the economy is tanking. Orders have slowed down to a halt. Other obligations are nearly caught up. And now there is a bit more time and energy to work on the project and still maintain my sanity, and have time for my family.
I still need help. I still need donations, cranes folded, and ...a place to exhibit this project. But I have come to terms with the idea that I will have to accept that it will take the time it takes. People who can, and want to, will help in whatever way they are able. Absolute strangers have already helped in wonderful ways.
A place to exhibit this project will emerge. A few possible places came close. Something will eventually fall into place.
So, I will be back here on a more regular basis again. Perhaps a little less frequently than in the beginning, but as often as I am able.
I may have needed a break. But I have not given up. I will finish this project. It will be installed somewhere for people to see. I don't know when. I don't know where. But I know, it will.
Thank you again, to all of you who have helped in any way that you could. And if you thought it was too late to help out....think again! There is still much to be done. And your help would be more than welcome. Folding waxed paper cranes. Making polymer clay disks to help crimp the cranes in place. Sending me pages from magazines that have articles about the war. Making a donation. Or helping to find a place to exhibit the cranes. No one task is any more important than the other. Any act of help is appreciated. And even words of encouragement, do offer some fuel to stoke the fire.
